Abuse comes in many forms. It can be physical, emotional, and mental.
If not "caught" early enough or at all, it can continue to perpetuate in what can be an endless multi- generational cycle wrecking havoc on the lives of those it touches.
The most insidious part of abuse is that most of us who have been victims of it, or who perpetuate it have no idea. I think about the men and women who "tolerate" abuse and don't even realize:
A) What it is they are experiencing
B) That it has a name
C) That there is a way out
Most people think of abuse as the "obvious" "physical" lashing out, and many might think of only women as victims but this is not the case at all.
Abuse: is the improper usage or treatment of someone or something for a bad purpose, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit.....
Here are more of the characterizations of abuse- it's interesting how many of us can say we have done the following or have had the following done to us and deemed it acceptable or excused it in some way and PLEASE- we all know that some of these fall under the heading of humor etc,. so please know that i am talking about a prolonged way of relating to another....
1) Invalidation
2) Character Assassination
3) Sarcasm
4) Bullying
5) Defamation
6) Head Games
7) Insults
8) Humiliating
9) Pulling Rank
10 ) Negligence
11) Passive - Aggressive Behavior
12) Persecution
13) Predudism
14) Rudeness
15) Teasing/ Taunting
and then strait from Wikapedia:
Characteristics and styles of abuse
Some important characteristics and styles of abuse are:[54]
- overt abuse
- covert (or controlling) abuse
- unpredictability
- disproportional (exaggerated) reactions
- dehumanization and objectification
- abuse of information
- impossible situations[clarification needed]
- control by proxy
- ambient abuse (gaslighting)
 |
Telltale signs of abuse |
Telltale signs may include:[55]
- isolation
- irrational jealousy
- subtle presence of physical violence
- discounting, minimizing, and trivializing
- criticizing
- withholding
- blaming.
|
Psychological characteristics of abusers
In their review of data from the Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study (a longitudinal birth cohort study; n = 941) Moffitt et al.[56] report that while men exhibit more aggression overall, gender is not a reliable predictor of interpersonal aggression, including psychological aggression. The study found that whether male or female, aggressive people share a cluster of traits, including high rates of suspicion and jealousy; sudden and drastic mood swings; poor self-control; and higher than average rates of approval of violence and aggression (in American society, females are, on average, approved[clarification needed] of violence against males). Moffitt et al. also argue that antisocial men exhibit two distinct types of interpersonal aggression (one against strangers, the other against intimate female partners), while antisocial women are rarely aggressive against anyone other than intimate male partners.
Male and female perpetrators of emotional and physical abuse exhibit high rates of personality disorders.[57][58][59] Rates of personality disorder in the general population are roughly 15%-20%, while roughly 80% of abusive men in court-ordered treatment programmes have personality disorders.[60] There are no similar statistics on female perpetrators of family violence due to bias[citation needed] in the data gathering procedure. The only statistics available are the reports on child maltreatment,[61] which show that mothers use physical discipline on children more often than fathers, while severe injury and sexual abuse are more often perpetrated by men.[62]
Abusers may aim to avoid household chores or exercise total control of family finances. Abusers can be very manipulative, often recruiting friends, law officers and court officials, even the victim's family to their side, while shifting blame to the victim.[63][64]
Effects of abuse on victims
English et al.[65] report that children whose families are characterized by interpersonal violence, including psychological aggression and verbal aggression, may exhibit a range of serious disorders, including chronic depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder, dissociation and anger. Additionally, English et al. report that the impact of emotional abuse "did not differ significantly" from that of physical abuse. Johnson et al.[66] report that, in a survey of female patients (n = 825), 24% suffered emotional abuse, and this group experienced higher rates of gynecological problems. In their study of men emotionally abused by a wife/partner (n = 116), Hines and Malley-Morrison[67] report that victims exhibit high rates of post traumatic stress disorder and alcoholism.
I write this post for a few reasons:
1) I am really sad as I continue to witness abusive situations that people tolerate from others, and want to speak up and out on their behalf bringing to light new information that may help them to realize what they are experiencing and give them a name for it. It's wrong to be made to feel bad repeatedly by another person. It's NOT OK.
2) I am irritated by the ignorance of people who do not have additional information on the subject and invalidate the one who has been dealing with the issue or make their own assumptions adding insult to injury. Abuse can be very subtile, and very camouflaged. In other words- the most amazing, charismatic, and seemingly genuine person can also be an abuser which make it even that much more difficult for the one being abused because NO ONE else can see it.
3) It's all over the press all the time - but most upsetting recently are the young gay community members who are choosing suicide rather than face the continued bullying in their community.
4) My mother called me on the phone tonight to tell me that she is going to a class for battered women. Many of you know that my mother was a nun before marrying my father. My mother told me today that in listening throughout the class (thinking she was offering herself again in service to another) realized that she in fact fit the criteria of someone who has been a victim of abusive. LORDY LORDY There is a GOD. My mother has lived her whole 70 years never realizing that there was a name for what she experienced growing up, and then in her marriage to her husband ( my dad who I love dearly,) and how she can now see how it was played out all over her life and how and why she even made many of the life choices she made in an effort to "please, tolerate, appease, accommodate, avoid, etc." which is all the behavior of the victim who has been conditioned to think of themselves as the problem.
Now here's an interesting question: How do you think her role modeling played out throughout my childhood? What messages were sent? Not sent as I watched her do the dance of victim? Leads to new discussions, new territory we've never explored. Maybe there is a chance for my mother and i after all.
In conclusion I want to state that this is not a post about airing my dirty laundry. It's a cautionary tale about taking a good long look at abuse as a theme in life and realizing that it can take many forms, and can create many illusions. If you are a victim, it won't just be you it affects over time. It will affect your children, and your children's children, and their children's children, and - well... I think you get the idea.
If anything in the above post rings true in your life.... there is help, and you can break the cycle.
As always I welcome your comments and thank you in advance for reading.
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