The way I see it.... good friends are the most precious and important people in the world.
10/16/2010
10/14/2010
10/11/2010
What The Dark Could Teach Me
In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.
-Albert Camus
There have been dark times in my life.
When I look back I think I have always felt a certain pull towards melancholy. No times so great as two winters ago. I look toward an upcoming winter with a sense of dread because the experience was so dark that I wondered if i could ever feel happiness again. Each time the seasons change and a new winter approaches I wonder if it will come for me again - the shadow of it's massive hand an ominous reminder to feel an extra measure of gratitude for my freedom today.
At the very heart of my darkness was my unending grief and the sadness over the mess that was formerly my life. I was headed for divorce, I never thought It would be me. The "picture" of the world as I knew it was simply shattered, and its sharp pieces threatened to slice me open at every turn.
My life felt in shambles- my business had also joined the pile of rubble and i joined the ranks of millions of small business Americans who simply were not financially solvent enough to wage the war of economic catastrophe.
Truthfully the only way out for me was to give in to the exhaustion and spend endless days sleeping in my bed. I would fake a good mother's morning tasks and pull myself regretfully from my bed to get my kids fed and to school. I did not clean but for when someone was coming to the house (which was rare) and I did not leave the house except to grocery shop or take the kids to a friends home. I looked at myself in the mirror and recognized that I had become the classic poster child for any pharmaceutical giant who wanted to peddle the virtues of an anti-depressant. Meanwhile, mine had failed to help, and I did not even have the energy or will to go to a doctor, or make it any better. I simply wanted to die.
The worst part is that I told no one. I did not tell my friends, or my family. I went through the gestures that maintained their faith that life was "fine" and that all was well. It wasn't that I did not want to tell them... It was that if I were to open the vaults of my inner turmoil I felt I would spiral down even further, and as it was I felt that I was barely hanging on to my sanity and that one mis-step would land me on the eighth floor of someplace way nuttier than my own mind.
My father always used to say "What does not kill you, makes you stronger," but funnier yet was his expression:
"I was so afraid I was going to die from the pain, and then that changed to being afraid I wouldn't."
At some point I simply crossed some kind of invisible line where I began to want to be well, and some spark deep inside myself decided it was still willing.
I started with a visit to a well known acupuncturist who simply treated me with kind words and tiny pins that seemed to poke into the ocean of grief that lie below the surface. Those tiny holes must have somehow started the slow leak and the long process of "emptying" that had to take place in order for me to start from the beginning again.
From there I started to listen to audio books or books on topics that seemed to speak to me:
When Thing Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss PH. D.
and read bits at a time as I could digest them. These people who it seemed could reach through their text and softly touch the places that hurt the most inside my heart. The numbness I'd been feeling finally gave way to something else and the thing that I feared the most began to happen.
The tears seemed endless, and the emptying out that began led me on what felt like an endless journey into a hall of mirrors, and then tentatively toward healing- beginning yet again at the starting point of my childhood. DRATS. Back to the very place i was sure I had already exposed and recovered from..not so fast.
If life is a house than surely I had built mine on quicksand. The demolition process once again proved painful. Funny- I had considered myself so very evolved, and introspective having done lots of work and therapy over the years, and yet had failed to touch upon the very core of my own undoing. I'd gotten close.... close, but no cigar.
I've decided that self preservation and the ego has an amazing survival mechanism, and successfully keeps many of us from ever achieving real self actualization. Keeping the past in place is it's way of ensuring the illusion of security, identity, and self importance. It's amazing the lengths I was willing to go to NOT have to face my deepest insecurities. The unanswerable questions that threatened my ability to really embrace myself as I really am, and accept the limitations and fears that are exactly what make me beautiful...human.
The voice I believed was ringing in my ears all these years was in fact NOT really the voice of my mother, my father, husband, friends, lovers... but the relentless voice of someone who was never ever satisfied, and who chose relationships and experiences that would in-fact keep that ugly reality in place.
When i finally stopped to listen I heard something truly amazing. I heard a voice I did not even realize was at the dashboard of my life pushing all the buttons inside myself and tainting each experience and relationship with it's bad advice. I realized that the voice was MINE and that the way I spoke to myself inside, was a way that I would never ever even think to speak to ANYONE... not even my worst enemy.
The voice was unyielding, harsh, critical, alienating, aggressive, angry, threatening...abusive. It was the voice of self loathing.
My SELF had chosen this outcome in order to prove it's point which brings me to many conclusions, but one I feel compelled to share as it relates to my own heart of darkness....
I reached a point where like a child in the dark - no one was there to turn the light on for me.
There was only me.
I created constructs in my world to mask the truths that I did want to see. My shortcomings, faults, inadequacies, failed attempts, bravado, weakness, selfishness.... I did not want to own any of it.
Yes- this masking is what makes us human, but my challenge was understanding that it is only a mask and not the truth. When any of us are forced to stare into the heart of the darkness we have to face our worst enemy and either turn our backs to it or embrace it.
After all, it will either do one thing or the other to us mortal humans: break us, or enlighten us.
PS: Last week my brother reminded me of a song by Dar Williams that i gave him years ago. It was really beautiful, and seemed fitting for this post. I'd love any comments anyone is willing to share, and as always- THANK YOU for reading. I am truly grateful.
10/07/2010
New Neighbor + New Outlook = Awesome
Do you believe that the universe works in mysterious ways? How bout cosmic humor?
I'm wondering who's really working the controls behind the curtain in OZ and how these not so coincidental occurrences keep happening in my life but here's who I recently got sent as my new next door neighbor:
Robyn Ivy: Photographer, entrepreneur, recently separated, mother of two kids similar ages, hip, hysterical, stylish (we wear the same size) similar perspectives, outlooks, and can finish my sentences without batting an eye.
As I was curled pitifully in my bed in the depths of my deepest depressive state a winter ago i could not have dreamed up a more comforting person to be in my life at this time. A girlfriend who can relate- amen. A single mother of two children- amen. A fellow photographer- amen. Someone who can make me belly laugh again - amen. Someone who has "done the work" - amen. Someone who can cook for me, drink wine with me, laugh with me, commiserate with me, challenge me, and inspire me. Instantly we were discussing points of view and our shared love of photography and so this BLOG was inspired: The way I see it.
10/06/2010
There's no place like OM.
Sure, you've heard of activism but what about craftivism?
This sweet little collection of Om's created by designer Miquette Bishop was inspired to offer hope, healing, and help to anyone who may just need sweet relief in the form of a small hat wearing being ( what IS under that hat?) who just might be the only one who can offer some.
Om's are hand crafted and each one has a unique and powerful story to tell. Recently featured on Etsy's spotlight as a top pick for a reasonably priced anytime gift, I was also inspired to learn that Miquette decided to create her Om's as her own way of maintaining hope and promoting healing. Her husband Peter Zuerner of Zuerner Design has struggled for years with Lyme disease and after a particularly difficult year of frustration and despair finally decided to create something that might offer hope and a smile to anyone, anywhere.
Om's range in price from $14.00- $24.00 and 10% of all profits go a myriad of needed causes.
Collect them all and be notified as they are released by signing up on Om's facebook page and twitter feed including the Celestial Om's, Healing Om's, Birthday Om's, Encouragement Om's, You Go Girl Om's and soon you'll be Oming them all!
and don't forget to bookmark the site at www.ilovemyom.com
10/05/2010
A Better Way?
Sometimes I get really worried about my two children and their well being as I project into the future on the topic of my divorce.
Can we (my family) beat the statistics? I truly wonder if the damage done to children is not almost 100% created by how the parents treat each other throughout the rest of the child's upbringing.
One of my goals through this blog is to explore the topic and try to navigate these unfamiliar waters as honestly and as i can.
The truth is - I don't know HOW i am going to do this, and I don't know what the future holds.
In the past, I have done a lot of leadership work, and specifically Landmark work which has helped me in countless ways to really look quietly and deeply into my thoughts and actions, and given me some invaluable tools into creating and accessing more joy, peace, and relatedness in my everyday life. I reflect on these learnings now as I endeavor to reaffirm my place on this new terrain and gather my children close as I want so desperately to give them the best possible family experience and the best example they can have on what relationships and family can provide them - even now ( especially now.)
Why does divorce have to be such a broken experience? Why does is have to be so stigmatized and dramatized? Most importantly WHY in gods name are there so few examples, case studies, texts, websites, and discussions going on in the world about a better way to handle it all?
No answers tonight- only questions, riddles and my own declaration:
"I want a better way."
"There must be a better way."
10/04/2010
The D Word
Photo: Paul Jones
Ok I promise not every post will be on the big D but perhaps the first 100 will.
All I want to say is that i feel like I am contagious or something. What I have is not catching to marriages everywhere and it's safe to treat me like BEFORE ok? You can call, check in, send a card, and even joke... in fact it would be nice to just hear from you since the last time i checked (from my destitute and fetal position under blankets and pillows amongst stale bed linens, unkempt hair, and horrifying living conditions) it was me who was the one facing one of the scariest and most upsetting times of my life.
Was it something I said? Did I totally blow your perfect picture of my life and you are not sure who I am anymore? I must admit I went through a similar feeling but, that seemed normal ( for me.)
Don't get me wrong - I am happy to allow you to have your own period of grief or whatever (really?!!!) but God- it's been lonely over here. He got to keep all our friends and gosh golly, I thought people liked me too. Is it that it's awkward for you now? You are not sure what to say? How to behave? What to wear? Come on- really?
That's All
I'm feeling like this greeting card company is brilliant. I sat in a gift shop kneel-itting (an actual position) while i read some of the best and most strait forward cards I have ever read & laughed from a place deeper than usual (which can result in some leakage.) This one above was particularly appropriate for me given what's been happening in my world lately. My wasband and I have likely created one of the most amicable separation/divorce situations anyone could care to hope for and yet friends and family members feel the need to pick sides. Originally we were going to throw a "no sides" divorce party for everyone but we were afraid no one would show up. SAD. FUNNY. PATHETIC. OH WELL. Check out a few of the others.... and try the position i recommended first if you are female + 2 kids or more + over 38. These cards gave new appeal to the idea Bladder Sling.
New Day. New Perspective. New Blog.
Every time i post to my old blog i feel something MISSING- like I'm "limited" in my expression there (hmmm i sound like i am talking about my marriage.)
I feel like who I have become over the course of my world falling apart and the putting it back together (like a poorly glued china doll) and what I think about, care about, and my perspective on all of it is no longer aligned anymore with my former self.
So here I am- reinventing with a new Blog, and what better name than to now call it: the way I see it.
After all.... nothing looks the same as it did. Perspective changes everything.
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