I'm so sorry your feeling so mixed up, and sad and lost. I truly empathize.
I have been physically separated from my husband for the last eighteen months, and before that...well, is anyone's guess. How can one be "together" with someone else when they live "separately" inside themselves. Maybe we were never together?
Maybe it was him, maybe it was me, and maybe it was both. Maybe it does not even matter.
Maybe what matters most is that I spent the last thirteen years of my life loving him, loving myself, and loving my children. I spent my time trying to fit into the picture I wanted for my own life, his life, and our collective life. After ten years of trying inside a marriage my only conclusion is that it was not working- for either of us. does it mean our love failed? I don't think so.
Do I love him any less now? No. I still love him with all my heart, and will continue to love him for my eternity because of all he taught me, all he gave me, all he is and is "becoming."
I can not "pin" faults on him or on myself ( although I've made that mistake) as I truly think we can only do the best we can as we are, with the information and wisdom we have at the time. I CAN of course look back and find faults, as we both have them. We are human.
I believe we would do ourselves a huge dis-service to focus on the faults instead of focusing on what we learned, and on what's important now.
What IS important now? I guess each person is his or her own judge of what's important now, and sometimes it's hard to quiet the voices of the well intended or not so well intended around us as they clamor their opinions, judgments, advice, and criticisms.
It's hard to rise above the noise of "fall- out" of friendships, disappointed parents, or unexamined rumors from the community at large, and just listen to one's own heart.
My heart tells me which direction to head... and some days the path seems dark and hollow and foreboding. Other times i am sure i can see sunlight breaking through the clouds, and a clearing just around the bend. I don't know for sure where my heart is leading me but I'm taking the bet that wherever it is- it's a journey worth taking.
Don't be afraid of self doubt, and of looking over your shoulder at the past- it's normal.
Just don't make the mistake of dragging your past into your future, because you'll find yourself moving in circles- around and around, and that's no fun either.
Just listen deeply, and quietly and carefully- and I know you'll find your way.
I'm positive of one thing:
Each one of us is unique, individual and unrepeatable. Each one of us must face ourselves in the final hour of our time here and be able to "rest" at peace knowing that we strove toward our best selves and gave it our all.
It's important that we allow each other the space to listen and learn at our own pace and to discover our own unique purpose. If we can bring the gift of our discoveries to the surface and share with those around us, it's possible to spread light and love in our wake - and with courage- illuminate a path for those who are coming through behind us, just as those did who have walked the path before us.
You are not alone.
All my love,