When Things Fall Apart

"Embarking on the spiritual journey is like getting into a very small boat and setting out on the Oceans to search for unknown lands. With wholehearted practice comes inspiration, but sooner or later we will encounter fear. For all we know when we get out onto the horizon, we are going to drop off the edge of the world. Like all explorers we are drawn to discover what's waiting out there without knowing yet if we have the courage to face it."  - Pema Chondron

When I started my company I set out to inspire others on the journey of consciousness. I did this never really realizing how unconscious I was to my own life, to my own self. It's interesting to be consider the possibility that I can not be of much impact to anyone else or anything else until I start first by looking at  who I am, what my actions are, how they impact others, and most importantly accepting myself for who I am.

Introducing parents to a loving and caring attitude about the way we treat our environment so that we can demonstrate to our kids how to be good stewards of the planet is where I was headed... as a parents myself I have had to face myself in the mirror and realize that this can only happen collectively if we are first willing to make it happen individually, and if we are to really trust in our ability to make an impact and a difference, then we have to embrace who each of us is, and respect ourselves and each other as individuals.

When things started to fall apart I started feeling worse and worse. My business started to go under,  my marriage was suffering, and everywhere I turned I seemed to be overwhelmed and having no idea how or what I could do to make it better. When I payed attention to how I was being on the inside - I realized I was beating myself up for many events that were completely out of my control, and the thing that were in my control I was too afraid and weak to look at because I had chastised myself so completely.

When things are tough do I have a loving, respectful, caring, and compassionate attitude towards myself?  The answer is no. The question then begs, If I don't have compassion for myself - how can I really relate and have compassion for those around me?

The way that I treat the world is a reflection of how I feel about myself in many cases. Do I beat myself up? Do I criticize myself? Do I neglect myself? Do I punish myself? Do I have compassion for myself? Do I forgive myself? Do I respect myself?

The state of the environment is a reflection after all. In order to make any kind of a difference, any kind of an impact I must first look at myself and accept what I see, love what I see, and respect what I see. I explore who I am and all that I am and all that I am not, and try to embrace it with as much honesty and acceptance as I can muster. I do so because I am drawn I guess to "discover what's waiting out there" and I have to say it's the scariest thing I have ever done.  To look at another human being and point a finger is so much easier. To look at oneself and inside oneself is very humbling. I can only be responsible for me- and my actions, and my view of the world. How I treat others and the beautiful world I live in is an extension of how I treat myself. 

As I stand inside the mess around me and the dust settles I look at where I might not have been willing, accepting, compassionate, or loving. It has brought me great sadness and at times seemed like a scary and thankless adventure, but I find myself drawn non-the-less to the moments of pure joy, discovery, and insight it has brought as well.

A wonderful friend of mine brought me this book on the day I closed my flagship store in Newport.
I stood amidst the boxes of packing up and moving out and read the first passage- and it gave me great hope and solace. When things fall apart I have discovered that there is an opportunity for growth, and connection and love not only to others and to the world  but to the only thing that really matters....yourself.